Lately… Laughing at myself is how I survive.

January 18, 2017

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Disclaimer: I love our little untraditional family. Being a wife and mom is very rewarding and I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Some days are more challenging than others and on those tough days, laughing at myself is how I survive.

Technical Difficulties 

I teach a few online courses and on Saturday, one of my students brought to my attention that my online classroom was having some technical difficulties. I skipped a hockey game we planned to attend with the boys, and I went into work to fix the issue. Once I left the office, I did a quick 2AM grocery run and headed home. I just crawled into bed when a little monster named Jude woke up and wanted to party…. At three in.the.morning!

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Even after our party in the middle of the night, the next day I was feeling guilty for not spending quality time with the boys. To combat the “mom guilt”, I decided to take the little ones on a date that afternoon. Two little stinkers, one Jess… what could go wrong?

Nude Jude

About a half-hour before we were set to leave the house, my brother and his girlfriend arrived for a quick visit. When they walked in the door, I looked up from the laundry I was folding on the floor and realized that Jude was naked! He was clothed just seconds before so I was a little confused as to why he was running around nude! It only took a few seconds to grasp that he took off his clothes and diaper because he pooped! We have a naked Jude and a poopy diaper on the white carpet. It gets better… I then discovered that he used the said white carpet to wipe himself. Either our child is a genius or a menace. I am thinking the latter of the two.

We finally got into the car and headed to an info meeting for a local running club I was interested in joining. After five minutes of being there, I was out of my favorite bribery tool (fruit snacks) and my boys were just warming up. Twenty minutes after arriving, I carried out a screaming Jude and away we went!

Crayons for Supper

At this point, it was a few minutes before 5PM and I knew the boys would need supper. Why I didn’t just drive home is something I am still questioning. Instead of effortlessly heading for home, I looked at my coupon book and realized that The Wild Hog had a coupon for a free kids meal with an adult entrée. When we arrived, the bar was full but the dining area was fairly empty. I specifically asked for a corner booth as far away from everyone as possible. The kind hostesses smiled and brought us to our corner.

As soon as we sat down, I should have just packed us back up and exited. Instead, a water and a chocolate milk were ordered. To speed things along, I even put in our food order with our drinks. When our sweet waitress arrived at our table with the drinks, Little Man (LM) said to her, “This isn’t very good. Can you try again but next time can you try harder? And can you make sure to try your best?” I wanted to crawl under the booth. She returned with a new chocolate milk which LM tried to send back a second time before I intervened and apologized. (For the record, I personally do not send back food or drink items. However, he did learn the pep-talk lingo from Jared and myself.)

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While we were waiting for our food, Jude entertained himself by eating pieces off of the crayons, spitting them out, and laughing. In addition, he would take the ice from my drink and throw it as far as he could. When anyone walked by our booth he made sure to let him or her know he had a belly button by lifting up his shirt and pointing. I tried my hardest to keep my cool and enjoy my time with the boys. When my side salad arrived, Jude took my leftover ranch, poured it out, and used the table as his personal canvas.

If you have read this far, you are probably wondering why I can’t control my one-year-old. I am also wondering the same thing.

Crayons have been eaten, ranch has been spilled, LM tried to send back his drink again, and to make things a little worse, everyone in Grand Forks decided to join us at this restaurant. Normally, when LM says he is full after a bite of food, I will make him take a few more bites. Tonight, when he said he was full, I asked for the check so we could get out of there as soon as (freaking) possible.

When we finally got up to leave, the building was packed and there were people standing in the entrance waiting for seats. Right on cue, Jude threw a fit because he didn’t want to wear a jacket in the middle of winter. I ended up carrying Jude out of the building, upside down, as I received sympathy smiles from anyone I accidently made eye contact with.

To ensure this doesn’t happen again, I have written myself a little reminder…

Dear Jess,
You can sometimes come up with great ideas. Being outnumbered and taking two boys out to eat is not one of them. If you ever feel the need to take your adorable little monsters into a nice establishment for supper, please reconsider. Go to McDonalds, order a happy meal, and just go home.

Sincerely,
Jess (Whose underwear is still soaked from chocolate milk that was accidently poured on her crotch by Jude.) 

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